Preparing for the Divorce Process

January 22nd, 2012 Tags: children, Coparenting, Divorce, Divorced Parent Telesummit
Posted in Co-Parenting, Divorced Parents, Surviving Divorce

If you happen to be one of the people beginning the divorce process this January, I am sorry.  I can truly say that I know how you feel. It was January 5th, 2001 when my husband informed me “he was ready to move on.”

Knowing  how stressful the divorce process is, I wanted to take this opportunity to share some tips and valuable information to help you prepare for the process.  Finances and children are typically the most important and stressful issues.

Before Seeing a Divorce Attorney

Before going to see an attorney, do your research.  The internet can be a tremendous resource for understanding your options for getting through the divorce process. Be sure the websites are credible resources.  Be organized and prepared before meeting with an attorney. Figure out what information you want from an attorney.  Make a list of questions you want to ask.

Talk to professionals you may know and respect to get their recommendations of divorce professionals.

Talk to people you know and trust who have been through the divorce process and ask them questions. It’s best to avoid people who are bitter and angry, or were involved in a high conflict situation during or after their divorce process.

Getting Divorce Support

Attending a Divorce Recovery group can be a great place to get emotional support, begin healing, network with other people going through the same situation, share resources, information and make new friends.

Keep your personal problems separate from your legal issues. Most divorce problems are usually personal and not legal.  Don’t pay your attorney to listen to your personal problems with your spouse.

Do as much as you can without involving attorney’s.  If your spouse relies on you to pay the bills, then reassure him/her that you will cover the bills to avoid your spouse having to file for a support order.  Establishing some temporary arrangements regarding money and your children can provide time for things to settle down a bit, and everyone to begin adjusting to the changes before making major decisions.

Divorce Decisions

It is in your best interest to try and work out as many decisions as you can with your spouse. Emotions run high during divorce and can easily get in the way. Avoid making decisions about the divorce or parenting when you are highly emotional. If you have someone you and your spouse both trust and respect that is willing to help you negotiate to reach an agreement, then by all means try this method.  If this does not work then you may need to hire a mediator.

I cannot emphasize this next point enough. When it comes to parenting and creating a parenting plan, you need to put the best interest of the children first. Any issues/conflict between parents needs to be dealt with separately. Children love and need both of their parents.

Do not bad mouth the other parent in front of your children. Children see themselves as 1/2 their mother and 1/2 their father. When you bad mouth the other parent, children interpret that they are bad.  Studies have shown that divorce has a much greater impact on children when the parents engage in conflict. How you handle your divorce will determine how your children are impacted by the divorce.

When there are children involved in divorce, you will have a relationship with your spouse for a very long time. If you can try to think of the big picture and the future, your children’s graduations, weddings, grandchildren, holidays, birthdays, etc. Do you want your children to be comfortable with both their parents present, or do you want them to have to choose one over another, or neither?

Divorce and Parenting

During the Divorced Parent Telesummit, I loved the idea of looking at your new relationship with your spouse as a business relationship. We may not always like everyone at work, but we can get along with them and still work together effectively.  If that helps you put your relationship in perspective, treat your spouse like you would a co-worker.

Most states require parents to participate in a court approved co-parenting class. During the divorce process you may have the opportunity (or need) to meet with a parenting professional or child mediator regarding your parenting plan, depending on the path you choose for your divorce process and the requirements for your state. Take advantage of these opportunities to educate yourself, ask questions while you can, on how you can best support your children during and after divorce.

I encourage you to browse the Divorced Parent Telesummit store for replays and transcripts which are full of excellent information from our expert speakers.  Hang in there. Divorce is a difficult process, but you will get through it  (especially when you get support) and it will get better.

Copyright 2012 All Rights Reserved Shelley Grieser