Mediation is usually required before your case can go to trial – for the divorce or for a modification case. For many parents, this is just one more “hoop” to jump through in the divorce process. But if you look at the mediation requirement like that, you’ll miss a critical part of it. Mediation is more than trading assets and number of overnights – it can actually help you help your children.
Preparing for Mediation
By preparing for the mediation process, you can learn What’s really important to you and why. Knowing the “what” and “why” of your position helps you to be able to create compromises that work. For divorcing parents, mediation can mean the difference between being a divorced family with a lot of conflict continuing past the final judgment and one that can effectively negotiate different opinions.
That’s why it is good to spend some time prior to the mediation conference thinking about what you really want after the divorce. I’m not talking about making a list of the property you want, although that’s a good idea. I’m talking bigger than that. I’m talking about things like, “What kind of values do you want your kids to see in action?” and “How do you want to interact with your child’s other parent after the divorce?” and “What do you want your child to know about resolving conflict?”
Mediation Helps You Help Your Children
An effective mediation helps you both work through disagreements and gives you practice at how to handle disagreements in the future. Not only is that valuable for you as a parent, it also helps you demonstrate to your children how to effectively work thorugh conflict. Let’s face it, we all have conflict everyday at some level. Learning how to identify and express your needs and create compromises are skills that your child will need to have so they can successfully negotiate through life. It’d be great if they could learn that from you, so take some time to understand your position as you prepare for mediation.
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If you happen to be one of the people beginning the divorce process this January, I am sorry. I can truly say that I know how you feel. It was January 5th, 2001 when my husband informed me “he was ready to move on.”
Knowing how stressful the divorce process is, I wanted to take this opportunity to share some tips and valuable information to help you prepare for the process. Finances and children are typically the most important and stressful issues.
Before Seeing a Divorce Attorney
Before going to see an attorney, do your research. The internet can be a tremendous resource for understanding your options for getting through the divorce process. Be sure the websites are credible resources. Be organized and prepared before meeting with an attorney. Figure out what information you want from an attorney. Make a list of questions you want to ask.
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Did you know that more people file for divorce in January than in any other month of the year? This has been true for years. We don’t know exactly why it is; maybe it stems from that same urge that makes you want to buy organizer products and get your house organized.
Whatever the reason for the filing season, we are hosting a free call next Monday night for parents who starting their divorce journey. It can be a scary place because you feel so alone. Or it may be exhilarating that you are launching into a new phase. Either way, when you venture into new territory like divorce, it’s nice to have some divorce help and divorce support along with way. That’s why we decided to hold monthly calls with our readers this year.
Here’s what we will be covering in our first divorce support call on January 16th:
- Options for completing your divorce
- Areas that must be dealt with during the divorce process
- Professional help that is available during the divorce process
- Tips to start off co-parenting without conflict
We’ll also be answering questions submitted by our readers. If you are on the Divorced Parent Telesummit mailing list already, you will receive the call information on Monday.
If you do not currently receive our emails, we’ll send you the call information if you provide your email address on the form below.
If you have questions you want answered during the call, you can leave them in the comment section here.
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The Holidays are characterized by joy, happiness, singing, parties, eating, gift giving, concerts, plays, Christmas programs, Hanukkah celebrations, charity drives, cookie exchanges, travel and people having fun. At least that is what the media would have you believe. The truth is the Holidays can be a tough time when you are going through or have recently gone through a divorce. The last thing you may feel like doing is pretending to be joyful and cheerful.
More than likely you and your spouse had developed some family traditions over the years. The traditions may have been ones you created, or ones you continued from one or both of your families. Now is a great time to think of your family traditions and ask yourself the following questions;
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For many of you, how the holiday timesharing is handled has already been decided or ordered. Others are in the midst of the divorce process (or maybe just thinking about divorce) and negotiating a parenting plan. For those 
who do not already have a parent timesharing order, this post is for you.
When thinking about your parenting plan and timesharing, there are three typical methods of holiday timesharing: alternating, dividing, or sharing.
Holiday Timesharing Options
- Alternating Holidays In this method, the holidays rotate between parents year to year, usually designated by odd/even years. This year, mom gets Christmas and dad gets Thanksgiving. Next year, those holidays are reversed and mom gets Thanksgiving and dad gets Christmas.
- Dividing Holidays involves choosing the holidays that matter more to one parent than the other and giving the holiday to that parent. For example, the Jewish parent has Hanukkah while the Christian parent has Christmas. Or one of you gets Thanksgiving break every year, while the other always gets spring break.
- Sharing Holidays means dividing the holiday. This can be done for the holiday itself, say the children are at dad’s until 2 pm and then go to mom’s house or it could be dividing a longer holiday period. For example, one parent gets the first half of winter break and the other parent gets the second half of the break.
Holiday Timesharing Considerations
As you negotiate your holiday timesharing, be sure to keep in mind the most important person – your child. Children need consistency and certainty. To reduce anxiety, they need to know where they will be and that the plan is firm. While you consider and weigh the logistics involved in co-parenting and holiday timesharing, make sure that you consider the situation from your child’s point of view. For example, sharing a holiday may not be feasible if you live a few hours apart or more, due to the distance involved.
Another thing I have heard, especially from young children, is that sharing the holiday can be a drag. It’s not much fun to switch homes in the middle of a holiday. Just when you have your gifts unwrapped and you’re starting to play after dinner, it’s time to go to the other parent’s house and eat again. You have to put away your things and get ready to go. It just doesn’t make for a smooth or happy transition for kids.
Choose the method or methods of dividing or designating the holiday timesharing that work for your family, but keep in mind the logistics involved and how your children typically spend the holiday. Also consider how your child adapts to changes. Some kids just do not do well with frequent changes; a shared holiday produces anxiety for those children. If your own parents were divorced, think about how they handled holidays and what you liked and did not like about how they handled holiday timesharing.
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My last post I asked you to honestly answer a list of questions about how you were taking care of yourself.Today I want to share with you a list of ideas for taking care of yourself (especially during the busy holiday season.) I know you are busy so I want to make this as easy as possible. I have prepared a list below of 12 ways that you can care for yourself. Review the list and write down the ones that speak to you. Then take a few minutes to add or modify options that are more suitable to you.
12 Great Ways for taking care of yourself:
- Spend 15 minutes in the morning preparing for the day ahead. Begin with thinking of things you are grateful for in your life. Focus on the good things; don’t let your mind focus on the negative. If you are a believer, begin by reading your Bible, read the Proverb that corresponds with the date. If you like to meditate, to get centered and focused for the day, meditate.
- Exercise 30 minutes 3-5 times a week. (Determine the days you will do it and when) You can include the kids with a bike ride, hike, run, or swim… Read More Here…
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If you are in the process of divorce or recently divorced, the holiday season can be particularly challenging. During this time of transition from married to single, learning to balance life, career, children, home and any activities for you and/or your children can be overwhelming. It is easy to fall into the mode of taking care of everyone else and attending to the many details of life while overlooking the importance of taking care of yourself.
Sometimes you may tell yourself that this is temporary and after the holidays, or after you get your shopping done, or after the kids get out of school for winter break, that you will some how have more time. Possibly you are trying to stay busy on purpose to avoid feeling your pain.
As a single parent it is really easy to put your children first. You may feel guilty about the divorce and how it is affecting your children so you pour yourself into them and attending to their needs. You may be feeling depressed and lack the energy to exercise, to eat healthy, and to put forth the effort to spend time with family or friends. Yet now more than ever it is important for you to take care of yourself. Let’s do a quick reality check.
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If there is one sign that your kids are in danger after divorce, it is a high level of continuing conflict after divorce. When parents continue the conflict after the divorce is final, children are likely to be affected…and not in a positive way. From all accounts we have, continuing conflict after divorce is bad for kids. The higher the level of conflict, in fact, the more likely it is that children have increased problems. The question is how to step out of continuing conflict after divorce.
Step Out of Continuing Conflict After Divorce
It’s difficult to stop once couples get into negative communication and conflict patterns. It just takes one parent to 
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Conflict. Just the word makes your stomach tighten up a little, doesn’t it? It’s been so interesting to hear each Divorced Parent Telesummit expert’s wisdom on how you can co-parent without conflict. There has been one clear message from all of the speakers: you are a role model for your children, especially when it comes to conflict resolution.
Conflict is Everywhere But Nobody Wins a Custody Battle
Everyone’s life involves conflict from time to time, whether it is with a co-worker or employer or neighbor. How you handle conflict as co-parents is teaching your children how they should handle conflict. What do you want your kids to learn about conflict?
I wish more parents understood that that “custody battles” have no winners. What they have is
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Pam and I have really enjoyed getting to know all of our amazing speakers. It is our pleasure to introduce you to our final speakers for the Divorced Parent Telesummit, Deesha Philyaw and Mike Thomas. I commend Deesha and Mike for their desire, ability and determination to put their two daughters first.
Mike and Deesha will tell you that it hasn’t always been easy. Like you and me, they have had their differences as a divorced couple and they have made their share of parenting mistakes. However, along their journey, Mike and Deesha made a choice. They chose to take the high road. They realized how you co-parent your children really matters. When co-parents partner and work together, the children thrive.
Others who witnessed Mike and Deesha’s positive, effective, co-parenting relationship wondered how they do it. Sharing their experience and wanting to help others become better co-parents, led Mike and Deesha to Read More Here…
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